Friday, 6 March 2015

Your Tattoos Don't Make You A Bad Mother... But Your Lack Of Humour Makes You An Idiot

I am always amazed at the depths of human stupidity. I shouldn't be. I mean, I've been hanging around the internet since long before it was cool to do so, (yes, I was one of those creepy weirdos in html chat-rooms in the 90s when LOL still meant Lots Of Love and FTW was Fuck The World... But I digress..), and there were idiots and dumbfucks around back then, but oh wow, as the internet grows, so does the gene pool seem to shallow.

When I'm bored or procrastinating one of my favourite things to look up are satirical pages that make fun of the news or religion or social constructs. They are brilliant and clever and often say a lot more about society than actual real news... But they've also shown me a side to society that, quite frankly, embarrasses the hell out of me.

At first I thought it was just a small handful of people who thought articles from The Onion were real or who got angry at pictures that claim “injecting three whole marijuanas gives you the gay” (I mean come on, guys, seriously.) but I have since, in my almost obsessive desire to eat up and enjoy pages and jokes like this, realised that, as Einstein once said, “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe”.

Some people... A hell of a lot of people actually... really don't get satire. At all. They see exactly and only what they see. They cannot read between lines, understand irony or comprehend sarcasm. They also often do not read beyond a headline or precede and then make up their mind and opinion based on that alone and, most often, their mind and opinion is one of indignant offence. Or, what the internet refers to as "Butthurt".

Some of my favourite pages in which to observe this butthurt in its natural habitat have included, Christians Against Slipknot and Mrs Betty Bowers: America's Best Christian. But over the last week or so I have noticed a new contender step into the ring. A page that has caused more outrage and butthurt than that time Kanye took the mic off TayTay. This brilliant page and social experiment is titled “Your Tattoos Make You A Horrible Mother” and it has almost completely overtaken my Facebook time (which, if you know me, is quite a lot of time indeed)
“Dr Ronald Winters” is the owner of the page and he and his good wife “Magda” are on a mission to save the world's children from the threat of fetal poisoning from “Teratogens” in tattoo ink. If you're not up on medical lingo, a teratogen is a toxin that can infiltrate into your uterus and have severe medical effects on your unborn child.

According to the Good Doctor Winters' "research" the teratogens in tattoo ink seep into your uterus and give your child "Fetal Ink Syndrome" (FIS) and "Tattoo Induced Toxemia" (TIT) which turns your child into a drug addicted skank with no future. Two of my favourite pics that the good doctor has posted to support his claim are one of a child in an oven with the caption “This Is Your Uterus On Ink” and another with a little boy resting his head on his mother's pregnant belly thanking her for being inkless and saving his baby sister from becoming a skank.

I know. It's ridiculous right! How could anyone actually think this is real? I mean FISTIT for fuck's sake!!! It's so obviously a pisstake!

Enter the butthurt. Holy fuckballs, Batman. It's hilarious. Hundreds and hundreds of tattooed parents are screeching out of the woodwork on their offended little high horses, defending their rights to have tattoos, demanding the "doctor" to show his credentials and qualifications and research, telling the page in their outraged indignation how wonderfully smart and gifted and settled their kids are or how their mothers had tattoos and they turned out just fine!

But probably the most telling, albeit depressing, example of how people act when they are "offended" is something that the internet shows in spades. Hate. Angry, vitriolic, unashamed, horrible hate. The modern day cyber equivalent of the angry mob with pitchforks and torches descending on the "monster". No thought, no control, nothing but unbridled, blind hate. Threats of violence, insults and, of course, that last bastion of the "offended interneter", the wishes for rape and awful things to happen to your children. Because it's not okay for a guy to make photoshopped pictures and outlandish claims, but it's perfectly okay to wish his children to know the pain of forced anal rape... So says the logic of these unthinking, hate-filled masses...
Yes, in a bittersweet twist of deliciously frustrating (and to be honest rather frightening) irony, the offended posters are acting like revolting, horrible skanky idiots to try and prove, with mostly terrible spelling and awful grammar, that people with tattoos are not revolting, horrible skanky idiots and, as you will see, failing miserably.

Now of COURSE I know this latter statement isn't true. I myself am a tattooed mother and so are many of my friends and mostly we're only a little bit skanky (mostly), but I am going to show you a couple of examples of why I find the irony of this page a delicious treat of goodness as well as a rather depressing insight into the butthurt psychology. I will admit I have been on there and had some fun defending the “good doctor's” work (for eg “I support this page because my friend's baby was born addicted to the marijuana needle and, at only four days old, had to take four whole marijuanas every day just to survive!!”) and the beautifully articulate comment from “Bubba” that I have added below will show you an example of the replies I got... I got a lot. Mostly like that... Le sigh.
The rest... Well, I'll let them speak for themselves.

Humans of the world, I urge you. Please never ever become one of these people. If something offends you there are so many many different ways in which to deal with it other than screaming rancid hate.
I am fairly sure, considering you are all awesome readers of my blog, that your intelligence levels are far higher than some of these people but just in case you may have an inkling to defend the ink, stop. Breathe. Have a giggle and shake your head and thank the good Goddess of humour that you're not a fuckwit...

Tuesday, 20 January 2015

Review: G-Ki by Je Joue

Something I'm really loving about all the new top-of-the-line sex toys these days is the packaging. I know that probably sounds a bit silly, but it's true. They say first impressions last, and I believe this has as much to do about products you buy as well as people you meet and the Je Joue G-Ki is no exception.

From the minute it arrived I was impressed. The box is solid and elegant looking, with the simple logo spelled out in silver against the black and tied up with a silky ribbon. It really did have a touch of sophistication about it. It's kind of like unwrapping a Tiffany's box, you know something fantastic is going to be inside.

The G-Ki itself mirrors the tastefulness of the packaging. It is made of smooth, high grade silicone (available in black, midnight purple, fuchsia and pink) and has a sleek shape that is completely adjustable to fit you and your needs perfectly.

Completely adjustable, you ask? What does that mean? Well it means that the Je Joue G-Ki is pretty unique in what it can do. On the side of the toy are two raised buttons which, when pressed (you must push both at the same time), allows you to bend and lock the toy from the slight curved shape it come in the box with to a sort of “J” shaped position, and any angle in between the two which makes it absolutely perfect for G-spot stimulation. I've come across quite a few toys that will bend and flex, but I don't know if I've ever come across one that locks itself into place so you don't have to think about it once it's in the right position.
Just as women come in all shapes and sizes, so do vaginas and G-spot locations (some are higher, some are lower, some need more stimulation, others need less) and so to be able to custom design the curve to suit you is a fantastic feature.
It can take a little bit of pushing etc to get it in the right spot but when you find it, you'll know. In fact the very first time I used it I was able to achieve a very rare (for me) clitoris-free orgasm and, for a girl who likes her clitoris orgasms and who, before this toy, rarely had sole G-spot ones, that's saying a lot.

Another thing that impressed me was the fact that this toy is completely battery free and comes with a magnetic charger that attaches itself to the on/off buttons.

It doesn't take too long to charge either (a couple of hours should do it), and a little light will stop flashing when it's fully charged to let you know it's ready to use. The other benefit of this sort of charger means that, as well as being slightly more environmentally friendly, it also makes the toy completely waterproof. Bath anyone?

Speaking of things I really love about this toy, it is equipped with an awesome range of vibrations. All up there are ten settings (yes, ten!). The first five are different strengths of continuous buzz and the rest are sequenced buzzes and pulses that range in speed and intensity and, I have to say, they're all pretty damn good. And quiet. Really, really quiet!

The buttons you push to change through the settings are simple and easy to use. Hold the plus sign button for about 2 seconds to turn it on and then push through the same button to find the buzz you like the best. The minus sign will backtrack through the settings or, if held down for 2 seconds, will turn it off. Easy. It doesn't “remember” your setting though so if you accidentally turn it off you have to go back through the sequence to find it.

Because it is made of silicone you need to use a water-based lube with it rather than a silicone-based one which will react with the toy and damage it. It's super easy to clean with an antibacterial toy cleaner, and it fits snugly back in its box when you've finished.

If you can't tell, I really, really like this toy. A lot. It has changed the way I orgasm and has made my G-spot my new, easy-to-find best friend, well in equal place with my clitoris anyway. Because of that I have no hesitation to give this toy a 9/10, and the only reason I haven't given it full marks is because I don't think anything is ever as good as the real thing, with a real person, but this one definitely comes close.

Saturday, 8 November 2014

Review: We-Vibe 4 Plus

If you haven't already figured it out, I love We-Vibes. Seriously. Every single We-Vibe product I have ever tried has, at one time or another, found pride of place in my top bedroom drawer. There was the We-Vibe 2 and then the We-Vibe 3 . I also had the pleasure of trialling their first solo play toy, the We-Vibe Thrill and, most recently, the We-Vibe 4. I also have in the wings (coming very soon) reviews of the We-Vibe Salsa, Tango and Touch which, like the Thrill, are solo toys... But the best, and probably the most exciting new version of the world's most favourite couple's toy is the We-Vibe 4+, which the awesome folk over at Sex Toys 24/7 gave me to try out.

To look at it it really isn't all that different to the We-Vibe 4. Same great, compact “c” shape, same matte silicone finish, same wireless charging capabilities, and the two motors on either end have the same awesome vibration and pulse settings (there are three speeds and five different rhythms programmed in, but keep reading to see what else it does). It's fully waterproof (although the remote is not), super easy to clean with a good toy cleaner and so quiet you wouldn't even know it was on if it's not touching you.

So, what's actually different about this toy that has the world (and me) in a bit of a spin?

Firstly, and this is completely aesthetic but cool to me, is that as well as the pink and purple colours of the We-Vibe 4, the Plus also comes in a cool gun-metal grey/black/blue (it's sort of a combination of all three) colour. But secondly, and most importantly, this toy comes with an app for your smart phone (bluetooth must be enabled to synch it)
“An app?” I hear you say. “What possible reason would a wireless, remote control toy need an app?”

Well, let me tell you.

The app (available for free from The Apple Store or Google Play) allows you to access five bonus pulse/buzz settings and has a sixth setting that allows you to program in your own settings. Yep. You heard me right. You can customise this toy to buzz and pulse in any combination/sequence you desire. You can change the speed of each motor independently (although I haven't figured out how to create two separate rhythm settings in each arm, so I'm not sure if you can or not) You can also use the app to search for tips and hints and suggestions on all the different ways you can use it, including anally, orally and as a penis stimulator. You can also set it to a timer! But probably the best and most awesome feature of this app is that you (or your partner) can access and control it from anywhere in the world!! Anywhere!! All you need is your toy's unique code which you can then send via text or email to anyone who has the app and give them control over the controls.

You could be in Sydney, and your partner could be in China and, with the use of modern technology, you can still play together! Seriously cool! It's particularly awesome for couples in long distance relationships or where one partner travels a lot. Seriously gives a whole new spin on the term phone sex! It's truly amazing!

The app will also tell you how much battery life you have left on the toy which is really handy - a few hours of charge should give you about three hours of continual play!

I know it might sound a bit fiddly and complicated, but it's actually not. This app is really user-friendly and simple to understand.

A few little glitches that I've found in my experiments with this toy are that you really need a good internet/wi-fi connection because every now and then the wireless connectivity can cut out and, every so often I found using the remote as well as the app seemed to cut the app off. Also it cannot be accessed by your partner without you giving “permission” via the invite app (which, once invited, gives you roughly 30 minutes to access it before the app connectivity shuts down) so it's not like you can wear it all day and they can randomly turn it on from their phone without you knowing. But these are really minor things considering the awesomeness of what this toy does and can do for couples living apart.
Seriously, gang. This is one toy every couple needs in their toybox! I give it a 9/10 because really the only thing it can't do is give you a hug, bring you a cup of coffee and tell you it loves you.

I seriously cannot WAIT to see what We-Vibe come up with next! Who knows. Maybe it will link to your coffee machine and develop a hug-and-love-you feature. (kidding. Mostly)
Until next time,

Happy buzzing, my friends... Wherever in the world you may be!